Boy, did that one misfire spectacularly. I playfully posted it to my daughter a few days ago and told her that I hoped it would play over and over in her head all night long.
She promptly forgot about it. Guess who's brain it has been cycling through since? Karma will get you every time.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
Deeply Troubled
Took the day off today to reflect on the week's events. Specifically I am referring to Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez, the killer of four of our Marines.
The thing that is bothering me is the dismissive attitude about the level of his mental health and how he is just "another Muslim jihadist", as if that means we shouldn't care about the state of his mind.
Look at it from the other side. I am sure there are some who deride just "another Christian" too.
Doesn't make it right and it certainly helps no one. Do I have answers to bridge the divide? Of course I don't.
I am not excusing him for the murders. I am just saying that we need to look deeper into what happened in his mind. Sure he went to Jordan to visit family. Guess what? I went to South Dakota to visit family a couple months ago. Sure his family has a bit of a turbulent history. So did mine. You just cannot pin it on one or two items. He was clearly mentally ill and that is the tragedy that did not get dealt with.
My only point is that we have to stop being such self-involved animals. All of us.
The thing that is bothering me is the dismissive attitude about the level of his mental health and how he is just "another Muslim jihadist", as if that means we shouldn't care about the state of his mind.
Look at it from the other side. I am sure there are some who deride just "another Christian" too.
Doesn't make it right and it certainly helps no one. Do I have answers to bridge the divide? Of course I don't.
I am not excusing him for the murders. I am just saying that we need to look deeper into what happened in his mind. Sure he went to Jordan to visit family. Guess what? I went to South Dakota to visit family a couple months ago. Sure his family has a bit of a turbulent history. So did mine. You just cannot pin it on one or two items. He was clearly mentally ill and that is the tragedy that did not get dealt with.
My only point is that we have to stop being such self-involved animals. All of us.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Semantics
I was told by someone today that s/he was "beat". Of course in my own mind this led me to think about difference between beat and beaten.
Two little letters that convey such a different experience.
Being beat means generally, I think, that we have had a good day that has led us to want sleep and be ready for renewal for the next day.
Not so with beaten. It is a feeling familiar to anyone who is discouraged, not to mention chronic depressive.
For us it means that something has knocked us down so hard that it is going to take an act of congress for us to start climbing back up again.
Beat is tired. Beaten is flat out laying on the ground trying not to dig into the ground any deeper.
Two little letters that convey such a different experience.
Being beat means generally, I think, that we have had a good day that has led us to want sleep and be ready for renewal for the next day.
Not so with beaten. It is a feeling familiar to anyone who is discouraged, not to mention chronic depressive.
For us it means that something has knocked us down so hard that it is going to take an act of congress for us to start climbing back up again.
Beat is tired. Beaten is flat out laying on the ground trying not to dig into the ground any deeper.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Pets (They are smarter than you think)
We have one very aged dog, one fairly elderly cat, and a young, crazy parrot.
They have all bonded to "Horace" even though they were supposed to be my pets. "Horace" is the pet whisperer, apparently.
"Horace" travels on business on a fairly regular basis and when he is gone I become the default caretaker. And that is when it becomes silly. Any of the three see a suitcase come out and the fun begins.
Timeline:
"Horace" leaves at 1:10 p.m. for the airport. Barney (aged dog) needs to go out for anxious bowel reasons.
1;20 p.m. Same deal.
2:00 p.m. Bird is screeching piteously. (I guess weekends are particularly hard for them). I feed him and give him fresh water. He asks me, "how ya doing, little buddy?" but I think he was talking to himself.
Things calm down for three hours. Then it is time to see to the children's (ahem, pet's) needs again.
5:00 p.m. Time to give the old cat his wet food. Meanwhile Barney has been following me around all day like a lost soul so I take pity on him and give him the other half can of cat food (mixed grill, who wouldn't love it?) He chases the dish around the kitchen trying to lick every bite of it clean.
5:10 p.m. Barney urgently needs to go outside.
5:10 p.m. I take the opportunity to give the birdie boy new food and clean water. Open the cage door and he is out like a shot.
5:15 p.m. Go make sure that Barney came back in the house (because I left the door open so he could do so, which in retrospect might not have been the best decision since elderly cat might have escaped, which he didn't because I don't think he really wants to. He has it way too good here.)
5:17 p.m. Check back in on the uncaged bird. Said bird climbs up my arm so I take him to the bedroom where he can run around the bed.
5:30 p.m. I get hungry myself so I go make an egg salad sandwich which is one of the bird's faves, so we share it. Plus we shared an orange slice candy.
Two hours of relative peace and then all hell breaks loose.
Dog needs out again. Bird hops off of the bed to chew up more of the kitchen floor. Cat nearly trips me on my way down to the door to let dog out.
Don't worry. I am used to chaos. Got the bird back in his cage. Soothed the dog. Gave the cat some scratches and all is calm again.
But the animals ALL know when they can act out. Lucky me.
Anyone who has mothered children can relate to this story.
They have all bonded to "Horace" even though they were supposed to be my pets. "Horace" is the pet whisperer, apparently.
"Horace" travels on business on a fairly regular basis and when he is gone I become the default caretaker. And that is when it becomes silly. Any of the three see a suitcase come out and the fun begins.
Timeline:
"Horace" leaves at 1:10 p.m. for the airport. Barney (aged dog) needs to go out for anxious bowel reasons.
1;20 p.m. Same deal.
2:00 p.m. Bird is screeching piteously. (I guess weekends are particularly hard for them). I feed him and give him fresh water. He asks me, "how ya doing, little buddy?" but I think he was talking to himself.
Things calm down for three hours. Then it is time to see to the children's (ahem, pet's) needs again.
5:00 p.m. Time to give the old cat his wet food. Meanwhile Barney has been following me around all day like a lost soul so I take pity on him and give him the other half can of cat food (mixed grill, who wouldn't love it?) He chases the dish around the kitchen trying to lick every bite of it clean.
5:10 p.m. Barney urgently needs to go outside.
5:10 p.m. I take the opportunity to give the birdie boy new food and clean water. Open the cage door and he is out like a shot.
5:15 p.m. Go make sure that Barney came back in the house (because I left the door open so he could do so, which in retrospect might not have been the best decision since elderly cat might have escaped, which he didn't because I don't think he really wants to. He has it way too good here.)
5:17 p.m. Check back in on the uncaged bird. Said bird climbs up my arm so I take him to the bedroom where he can run around the bed.
5:30 p.m. I get hungry myself so I go make an egg salad sandwich which is one of the bird's faves, so we share it. Plus we shared an orange slice candy.
Two hours of relative peace and then all hell breaks loose.
Dog needs out again. Bird hops off of the bed to chew up more of the kitchen floor. Cat nearly trips me on my way down to the door to let dog out.
Don't worry. I am used to chaos. Got the bird back in his cage. Soothed the dog. Gave the cat some scratches and all is calm again.
But the animals ALL know when they can act out. Lucky me.
Anyone who has mothered children can relate to this story.
Sorry about That
I thought I had something to say yesterday. After I posted my last post, it I realized how negative it was and that is not my aim. So I deleted it because I didn't want anyone I love to be negatively affected by it.
Still, the subject of anger needs to be dealt with. And there is a residual of anger in every person dealing with depression.
So, let's try again.
Disappointment is a fact of life. Normal people just go ahead and just shake it off. Depressives take it personally (not that we intentionally or consciously mean to), but it happens.
Now the thing about that is that we feel that we don't have the right to get angry because we feel like such failures anyway. We don't feel like we are holding up our part of the bargain we make with other people.
Still anger happens and quite rightfully so. If we can't feel anger, we can't feel happiness and gratitude either.
It is the same with sadness and glee. How do you know one without the other?
Sorry about the misstep yesterday. Still working on my brain health.
Still, the subject of anger needs to be dealt with. And there is a residual of anger in every person dealing with depression.
So, let's try again.
Disappointment is a fact of life. Normal people just go ahead and just shake it off. Depressives take it personally (not that we intentionally or consciously mean to), but it happens.
Now the thing about that is that we feel that we don't have the right to get angry because we feel like such failures anyway. We don't feel like we are holding up our part of the bargain we make with other people.
Still anger happens and quite rightfully so. If we can't feel anger, we can't feel happiness and gratitude either.
It is the same with sadness and glee. How do you know one without the other?
Sorry about the misstep yesterday. Still working on my brain health.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Depression and Water
Not sure how to approach this issue except straight on.
Water is life. Life is water. We need it and we are made of it.
Now here is the weird part. Some of us cannot get enough of it whether that is drinking it, bathing in it, cleaning with it, washing our hands in it, or joyfully splashing in a pool of it. Then there are those of us who would like nothing better to do any of these things, yet do none of them.
Why is that?
I don't know if theory bears this out, but my suspicion is that it has to to with the phase of depression. In other words, some days it is just too wearisome to even think of getting up for a glass of water to drink or to draw a bath. Plus fear of water becomes a real thing on those days when you are afraid you are going to just plain drown it it. Just like drowning in emotions some days.
I hate those days.
Water is life. Life is water. We need it and we are made of it.
Now here is the weird part. Some of us cannot get enough of it whether that is drinking it, bathing in it, cleaning with it, washing our hands in it, or joyfully splashing in a pool of it. Then there are those of us who would like nothing better to do any of these things, yet do none of them.
Why is that?
I don't know if theory bears this out, but my suspicion is that it has to to with the phase of depression. In other words, some days it is just too wearisome to even think of getting up for a glass of water to drink or to draw a bath. Plus fear of water becomes a real thing on those days when you are afraid you are going to just plain drown it it. Just like drowning in emotions some days.
I hate those days.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Once the Euphoria Fades
How is it even possible to be so up one day and so down the next? Really have no answer for that unless I am an excitement junkie.
Actually that could be the entire answer.
I was so thrilled yesterday and am still happy about the impending marriage, but today I can't eat: I can't sleep. Sick to my stomach to the point that I can't keep food on it.
I have lost 25 pounds in the last three and a half months. That may sound sensational, but the deal is I have not been on a diet. I wasn't trying to lose weight.
Days like today make me wish the medication had worked.
Have a good weekend. I am going to try to do the same.
Actually that could be the entire answer.
I was so thrilled yesterday and am still happy about the impending marriage, but today I can't eat: I can't sleep. Sick to my stomach to the point that I can't keep food on it.
I have lost 25 pounds in the last three and a half months. That may sound sensational, but the deal is I have not been on a diet. I wasn't trying to lose weight.
Days like today make me wish the medication had worked.
Have a good weekend. I am going to try to do the same.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Vacations
Sometimes you just need time out from life. That is what a vacation is for.
I took a vacation today and didn't even leave my house.
My grandson is getting married to the sweetest woman in the universe! Most of us knew that the proposal was in the offing and were waiting on pins and needles to hear her answer.
So that was very cool.
However, there is another situation that is heartbreaking and not my story to tell.
I apologize for the short post today, but did want to share the good news too.
I took a vacation today and didn't even leave my house.
My grandson is getting married to the sweetest woman in the universe! Most of us knew that the proposal was in the offing and were waiting on pins and needles to hear her answer.
So that was very cool.
However, there is another situation that is heartbreaking and not my story to tell.
I apologize for the short post today, but did want to share the good news too.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
My Brother
It has been nearly a year since his death.
This may be one of the hardest posts I will ever write.
I found out about his death via the newspaper asking for family to contact the mortuary. I was stunned to say the least.
He was less than a year older than me. I had talked to him just three or four days earlier. By the time he was found his home had been stripped of anything valuable.
What sort of people would do something like that?
Having some real trouble dealing with this issue. He now rests in a military cemetery in Washington state. But I am still feeling a lot of pain about his passing. I knew he wasn't taking care of himself and I had sent him a phone so we could stay in contact. The last time I talked to him he told me that he thought he had the flu or something so I told him to be in touch when he felt better.
We talked several times a week. We were (and are) both insomniacs, so we talked pretty late at night for several hours.
I guess the point of this post is that I never tried to call him back. And I did love him dearly. Still feeling guilty about that.
He was the bartender of tractor parts.
This may be one of the hardest posts I will ever write.
I found out about his death via the newspaper asking for family to contact the mortuary. I was stunned to say the least.
He was less than a year older than me. I had talked to him just three or four days earlier. By the time he was found his home had been stripped of anything valuable.
What sort of people would do something like that?
Having some real trouble dealing with this issue. He now rests in a military cemetery in Washington state. But I am still feeling a lot of pain about his passing. I knew he wasn't taking care of himself and I had sent him a phone so we could stay in contact. The last time I talked to him he told me that he thought he had the flu or something so I told him to be in touch when he felt better.
We talked several times a week. We were (and are) both insomniacs, so we talked pretty late at night for several hours.
I guess the point of this post is that I never tried to call him back. And I did love him dearly. Still feeling guilty about that.
He was the bartender of tractor parts.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Ticks
"Horace" gave our pup a bath yesterday. When he was done I found a tick on the bathroom counter. Promptly flushed it.
Today, I found a blood filled tick on my back.
This is not helping my mental health at all.
Could not get the head out and "Horace" tried to do so, but all he could do was get some pus. Whew. How gross is that?
So it has not been an especially good day.
Probably need to go to the clinic tomorrow to see if they can fix the problem.
Today, I found a blood filled tick on my back.
This is not helping my mental health at all.
Could not get the head out and "Horace" tried to do so, but all he could do was get some pus. Whew. How gross is that?
So it has not been an especially good day.
Probably need to go to the clinic tomorrow to see if they can fix the problem.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Overspending
Yeah. Imagine that.
Acquiring stuff becomes an addiction. And we who are depressed tend towards addiction.
This week I acquired an air conditioner, bet hey it is hot here right now. I also bought a set of bowls, some soup spoons that match my flatware and some spatulas.
Plus we fixed one of the cars. And "Horace" bought some Cracker Jack and a few potatoes.
Yeah, I should probably return the soup spoons.
Overspending just becomes one more addiction. Soothing in the short run, but really doesn't do a thing long term, except make you worried about your retirement.
Acquiring stuff becomes an addiction. And we who are depressed tend towards addiction.
This week I acquired an air conditioner, bet hey it is hot here right now. I also bought a set of bowls, some soup spoons that match my flatware and some spatulas.
Plus we fixed one of the cars. And "Horace" bought some Cracker Jack and a few potatoes.
Yeah, I should probably return the soup spoons.
Overspending just becomes one more addiction. Soothing in the short run, but really doesn't do a thing long term, except make you worried about your retirement.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
My Sister
Still laughing.
We talk about toilets, bidets, pets, husbands, cleaning the house.
And we always laugh together.
None of these things are especially humorous but her brain works like mine. I will be laughing for the next few hours after talking to her. Hi, Barb.
She reminded me of how much money I owe her for having abandoned her to be the mother of the family when I was 17 and she was 15. Okay, need to amend the will.
Love that girl.
Asked her if she knew how to install the two new toilets she just bought. Nope, but she reassures me that it comes with everything and a friend says he knows how. My sense of humor says that something could go wrong here.
Hi, Barb!
And Joe says "love ya Toots"
\
We talk about toilets, bidets, pets, husbands, cleaning the house.
And we always laugh together.
None of these things are especially humorous but her brain works like mine. I will be laughing for the next few hours after talking to her. Hi, Barb.
She reminded me of how much money I owe her for having abandoned her to be the mother of the family when I was 17 and she was 15. Okay, need to amend the will.
Love that girl.
Asked her if she knew how to install the two new toilets she just bought. Nope, but she reassures me that it comes with everything and a friend says he knows how. My sense of humor says that something could go wrong here.
Hi, Barb!
And Joe says "love ya Toots"
\
Food
I am in a low period. Yeah, that it is how fast it goes.
When I hit these lows, so does my appetite. And it certainly doesn't help that today is the Fourth and I am freaking about that. Some may love the smell of gunpowder in the house. I am seriously worried that our house may burn up.
So anyway, I haven't eaten since day before yesterday. I am hungry, but not enough to find something to eat that will satisfy. I am, however, thinking of another piece of toast with applebutter.
Just wish the Fourth of July fireworks were over...
Almost glad that no one is responding to my posts. I can say whatever the heck comes into my brain that way.
More fireworks. More fear.
When I hit these lows, so does my appetite. And it certainly doesn't help that today is the Fourth and I am freaking about that. Some may love the smell of gunpowder in the house. I am seriously worried that our house may burn up.
So anyway, I haven't eaten since day before yesterday. I am hungry, but not enough to find something to eat that will satisfy. I am, however, thinking of another piece of toast with applebutter.
Just wish the Fourth of July fireworks were over...
Almost glad that no one is responding to my posts. I can say whatever the heck comes into my brain that way.
More fireworks. More fear.
Fireworks (frowny face)
It has started. I have several questions.
Do they have a bucket of water? Are they sober? Do they give a...oops...shouldn't go there.
I am sitting here eating a great bowl of ice cream on this hot independence day. It is early. I fear for tonight.
That is all. Talk to you all on Monday, if we are still here. If not, well then my spirit will be haunting you.
Do they have a bucket of water? Are they sober? Do they give a...oops...shouldn't go there.
I am sitting here eating a great bowl of ice cream on this hot independence day. It is early. I fear for tonight.
That is all. Talk to you all on Monday, if we are still here. If not, well then my spirit will be haunting you.
Cleaning
Okay, today's lesson is about cleaning house.
Don't.
If you have children or pets it is a zero sum game. You can clean to your heart's desire and will still be disappointed in the results.
Case in point: I have an African Grey Parrot.
I could vacuum up after him fifty times a day and it would make no difference to how the house looks before his sheet is put over his cage every darn night. Yeah, I might be able to vacuum then but he would only say rude things while I did.
You have to hear him when I am washing windows. It is hilarious. If only his noise actually cleaned the windows I would be good to go! Windows, mirrors, the coffee table. It is all the same to him. Squeak, Squeak.
However, it sorta makes my day. Sometimes.
He is funny and that does my brain good. But then there are the days that I am tempted to put the sheet back on over his cage and hope he just goes back to sleep because the vacuum gets heavy. It actually lives in the middle of my living room floor now. No point in putting it away.
Coming up soon; The rest of the animals in my life. And I promise to do a post on that rude bird. Do not have any idea where he picked it up from. He broke his "cell phone" today. I think he got mad about it talking to him.
Don't.
If you have children or pets it is a zero sum game. You can clean to your heart's desire and will still be disappointed in the results.
Case in point: I have an African Grey Parrot.
I could vacuum up after him fifty times a day and it would make no difference to how the house looks before his sheet is put over his cage every darn night. Yeah, I might be able to vacuum then but he would only say rude things while I did.
You have to hear him when I am washing windows. It is hilarious. If only his noise actually cleaned the windows I would be good to go! Windows, mirrors, the coffee table. It is all the same to him. Squeak, Squeak.
However, it sorta makes my day. Sometimes.
He is funny and that does my brain good. But then there are the days that I am tempted to put the sheet back on over his cage and hope he just goes back to sleep because the vacuum gets heavy. It actually lives in the middle of my living room floor now. No point in putting it away.
Coming up soon; The rest of the animals in my life. And I promise to do a post on that rude bird. Do not have any idea where he picked it up from. He broke his "cell phone" today. I think he got mad about it talking to him.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Fourth of July
I am very worried. Scared in fact.
The weather has been dry and hot and I live on a reservation where all fireworks are legal.
I do have to admit that the level of setting off fireworks this year has lessened. I applaud that, but this crazy brain still worries.
Hubs, "Horace" has put hoses to the ready. God bless him and am I really married to a man named Horace? I guess so since he has renamed himself.
The weather has been dry and hot and I live on a reservation where all fireworks are legal.
I do have to admit that the level of setting off fireworks this year has lessened. I applaud that, but this crazy brain still worries.
Hubs, "Horace" has put hoses to the ready. God bless him and am I really married to a man named Horace? I guess so since he has renamed himself.
Telephones
Do not phone me. Ever. I hate the telephone.
You can text me. You can message me. You can text-message me. But do not call. And Skype? Never gonna happen.
Maybe I am slower than most because the thing I hate about telephones is that I have no time to process the information I am hearing and I sound like an idiot on the phone.
"Hi. So nice to hear from you."
"How are the kids?
"Good, good."
"The husband?"
"Good, good."
"It was so nice talking to you. Let's do it again soon."
Click.
Yeah, that is me on the telephone. I just cannot think of a thing to say.
I much prefer having some time to think about it and give a kind (usually), measured response to whomever I am in contact with.
I am sure a lot of this has to do with the isolation that so many of us experience in our depressive moments and it carries over to everyday life I think.
Face-to-face? I can be and have been the life of the party on more than one occasion. Must rethink this telephone aversion.
How do you handle phone calls?
You can text me. You can message me. You can text-message me. But do not call. And Skype? Never gonna happen.
Maybe I am slower than most because the thing I hate about telephones is that I have no time to process the information I am hearing and I sound like an idiot on the phone.
"Hi. So nice to hear from you."
"How are the kids?
"Good, good."
"The husband?"
"Good, good."
"It was so nice talking to you. Let's do it again soon."
Click.
Yeah, that is me on the telephone. I just cannot think of a thing to say.
I much prefer having some time to think about it and give a kind (usually), measured response to whomever I am in contact with.
I am sure a lot of this has to do with the isolation that so many of us experience in our depressive moments and it carries over to everyday life I think.
Face-to-face? I can be and have been the life of the party on more than one occasion. Must rethink this telephone aversion.
How do you handle phone calls?
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Talking to Myself
I guess we all do it. Maybe some of us do it more than others. :)
Today we had one car start displaying sensors showing something was wrong with the transmission. Before that, our other car started showing problems too. In that case, hubby "Horace" found chewed wires and seeds and cherry plums on top of the air filter. Ah the joys of living in the glorious countryside with all the creatures of nature.
So. I am no car expert, far from it, but it became a question of which to fix first. A lot of talking went on within my brain and my stomach started to hurt from it all. What did I learn from it? I learned that my feelings are still quite intact since my body physically responded to the bad news. To me, that is worth celebrating.
In the meantime we have a little red truck that refuses to die after half a million miles. Too bad it doesn't have air conditioning...or a heater...or a muffler...or a door handle on the passenger side...and the driver's seat is so dilapidated that it looks to other drivers like a four-year-old is behind the wheel. But hey, it still goes. Pretty inspiring.
Today we had one car start displaying sensors showing something was wrong with the transmission. Before that, our other car started showing problems too. In that case, hubby "Horace" found chewed wires and seeds and cherry plums on top of the air filter. Ah the joys of living in the glorious countryside with all the creatures of nature.
So. I am no car expert, far from it, but it became a question of which to fix first. A lot of talking went on within my brain and my stomach started to hurt from it all. What did I learn from it? I learned that my feelings are still quite intact since my body physically responded to the bad news. To me, that is worth celebrating.
In the meantime we have a little red truck that refuses to die after half a million miles. Too bad it doesn't have air conditioning...or a heater...or a muffler...or a door handle on the passenger side...and the driver's seat is so dilapidated that it looks to other drivers like a four-year-old is behind the wheel. But hey, it still goes. Pretty inspiring.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Toenails
Happy July! It is the month of naked feet.
I was looking at mine today and noticed that a pedicure would be in order. I have never had a pedicure in my life. Still, it seems like a good idea.
My nails seem to be in pretty good shape except the nails on my small toes are nearly non-existent.
My daughter used to come and paint them for me, but she has moved away. I always loved it when she did that. Painting my nails that is...not the moving away part...that was no fun at all. Anyway, I ended up with pretty, painted nails and I could run around with naked feet and never worry.
How does this relate to the brain? Easy. If my brain was always painted and pretty, I could step out in style and not worry about what others think.
Is there such a thing as a brainicure? Seems to me it would be a good idea.
See? I told you I wouldn't always make sense.
I was looking at mine today and noticed that a pedicure would be in order. I have never had a pedicure in my life. Still, it seems like a good idea.
My nails seem to be in pretty good shape except the nails on my small toes are nearly non-existent.
My daughter used to come and paint them for me, but she has moved away. I always loved it when she did that. Painting my nails that is...not the moving away part...that was no fun at all. Anyway, I ended up with pretty, painted nails and I could run around with naked feet and never worry.
How does this relate to the brain? Easy. If my brain was always painted and pretty, I could step out in style and not worry about what others think.
Is there such a thing as a brainicure? Seems to me it would be a good idea.
See? I told you I wouldn't always make sense.
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